Steps to recovery #11 – Socialising: Part 2 – Back into society!

Sounds like I was coming out of prison. And in truth, those first steps outside felt like that. A mixture of freedom and worry – am I going to be ok?

This is about the broader context of being social – meeting and mingling with those outside my close friends and family.

Leaving the hospital felt weird. For me a huge thing. For most onlookers, just another guy leaving. I am being careful in every step, keeping my distance, seeing and sensing everything. The world hardly noticing as they pass me by. A bit like a slow shutter speed picture or film. I am the person in sharp focus in the middle of the screen. The world whizzing by me, not seeing me. Don’t they know I just had an operation to remove bowel cancer! All the nurses and people job hospital did!

And that process summarises the dilemma of getting back into society. For me it is a big thing. Outside my family and friends it is no news! Why should they care – why is it such a big deal for me?

My first walk outside the house – just up the road – accompanied just in case. The relief of being outside the house and garden.

The first visit to Waitrose had the added jeopardy of meeting a familiar face. How would I react? Do they know I had cancer? Do I tell them if not? How do I respond to the “how are you” question? Walking. Slowly, watching in case anyone bumps into me. Knowing Judith is watching my every move. Hoping I have the energy to get back up the hill ok.

Back to the “how are you?” question. I often say it myself – but with real meaning and concern? How often do we say it and hope to get a “yeah, all good – and you?” as a reply then carry on as normal. We can go back to being part of the background blur of the slow motion picture. No intention to come into focus. Move on quickly to our next important task.

So how have I responded? Have I tried to slow others down to my shutter speed or left them drift on by? Do I share my cancer story or just say “all good….”

So far the answer is it depends. For many, including people I know well, I just gave the “all good “ response. In a few cases I have seen some folk where I have shared my cancer diagnosis and recent operation. In one such case, a near neighbour, they then shared their cancer history. I had no idea.

Why did I share with him and not others?On reflection, maybe it was because it sounded a genuine question. He didn’t often see me shuffling down the pavement during the week in baggy shorts and a scruffy t-shirt. Maybe I looked tired? Whatever it was, his “how are you?” sounded genuine. So we shared cancer survivor stories. A connection made.

Even now, as I start to get back to normal health, I still pick and choose who I tell. And the truth is I am more honest based on my perception of the person asking how I am. The response when I do share is fascinating. Often surprise as I look normal. Then concern.

Away from what I tell others, each new activity brings its own jeopardy. Walking through town, standing in a pub, being in a shop. Each with the heightened sense of awareness – doing the normal. Exciting and tiring in equal measure before they go back to being routine.

More to come – being driven, driving, trains, back to work, going out for a meal and sitting …. I can’t wait!

I look forward to that sense of new and hope to be able to keep that excitement even as things go into “routine mode”. To be able to appreciate being in the “now”, being present. Not speeding onto the next task. I hope I can find time to slow down and get into the same shutter speed as others on more occasions. Maybe make my “how are you?” genuine! Now there’s a challenge